Thursday, October 18, 2012

Late Night Musings

So what do I have without you? And what am I left with when you're gone? And who am I in your absence?
With all my might, I scour my thoughts in search of an answer, but, arms weary and every last surface abraded, I emerge with nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
"I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.'" (Psalm 16:2)
Yet this depleted vessel is immediately filled with gratitude; what was once downcast is now with hope, for reminded is its soul that it will never have to know this nothingness.
"What a sweeping statement," one may argue, "never knowing nothingness!"
But regardless of how dubious these words may resonate, I know you won't be leaving. Not now, not ever. If there's one thing I can count on in this life or the next, it's this very fact.
And because I will never taste your absence, I will forever have everything I need.
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deut. 31:8)
You already stoop down to meet me at my point of need, but you do not simply stop there; you satisfy me fully, but that is not enough for you, as it appears. Thrusted by the weight of your love, you go as far as drawing me in and lifting me up with you. I once was filled, but I now overflow.
"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great." (Psalm 18:35)
And what did I, in all my abundant filth, do to deserve this? I wish I could even so much as qualify this as a valid question. I've done nothing to merit any of this. In honest fact, what's insane about this promise is that it applies both when I'm at my best, and when I'm at my worst. When you whisper "Well done," and when I've failed to elicit such a response.
This fact is unchanging, as you are unchanging. Your perfect, unending love pursues, surrounds me, your mercy upholds me when I fall, and your grace lifts me up, no matter how persistently I may try to fight it.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lam. 3:22-23)
Although I'll never fully understand any of this, that's just the nature of who you are--so beyond comprehension, transcending description, amazing in every imaginable way.
I'm left completely dumbstruck.
There's nothing my mind can conjure--or hands create, or mouth utter--that could possibly suffice to express the sum of all you are, and all you deserve. So I guess I'll just leave it at thank you. Thank you so, so much.
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." (Eph. 2:4-5)